You Never Know What’s Happening When You’re Only Seeing the Highlight Reel

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

Babies, babies, babies. The American dream to some, it seems.

Being married doesn't always mean babies

As the world has planned, once you are done with college, the next logical step is to marry that man you’ve been dating through college.

You had the perfect wedding; that was the perfect day, and your 15 bridesmaids looked fantastic. But in the MOHs speech, she throws in things about how she can’t wait to be an auntie to your cute baby.

Finally, you and your new husband have some time alone on the beach on the big island. You've heard stories for years about how great a honeymoon is there.

It’s time to relax, rest, and enjoy all the inclusive food and drinks. While all that happened, we will say it wasn’t what it was made out to be.

Then before you’ve even stepped one foot off the plane onto the tarmac. You decided, against your better judgment, you reach into your bag and turn on your phone. 

It’s been off for a week, but you see a theme. Every version, to the crudest versions, asking if there will be a baby in 9 months. You swipe left and delete all those texts and messages.

A year in, and no baby. So the hounding continues. "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?!?  They would be so cute!!!"

Finally, at one point, you tell them that if you aren’t in charge of my uterus, then I don’t want to hear any more about babies.  We will have them if or when we decide to do.

Wanting a baby from early on

You see, my story looked a lot different than most. Not because I have wanted a baby since I was a child.

I still, to this day, have a list of baby names on my phone. But on the outside, we looked like high school sweethearts that were pretty normal.

Behind closed doors, we were far from that. There was addiction (not me) and so much that I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever share. Because that is not my story to tell. 

I will say he never hit me. But as people asked me when our baby was coming, I cried inside, praying he would just awake the next day.  Twenty-one months after I said I do, I got the papers that said no more.

Mourning the marriage I didn't have

We got married at 22, as did many of my friends. So as I was mourning not just the loss of a marriage.

I was going to therapy to help me walk through the things I missed, could have done differently, and the abuse. I was also mourning the loss of the best friend of so many years before.

I went to all the bachelorette parties, wedding showers, baby shower sips and sees, and 1st, 2nd, and 3rd year birthdays. 

Over the years, no matter how much time passed, the tears flowed freely as soon as I stepped out of the party. These tears are different than years before.

Now they are my mourning tears and me acknowledging the fact that I’ll never have my own biological kiddo.

Since my marriage and divorce, I, like many of you, have been diagnosed with endometriosis. Along with a multitude of other conditions that, between them and the meds to treat them, it’s just no longer in my cards. 

My dreams are different now

I know there are so many other ways to have kids. But I always had dreams of getting the positive test like many girls.

Dreams of telling my husband the news, feeling her/him kick, and experiencing labor. At my age, I don’t know if I’ll remarry or if I will ever have any kids to call my one.

I guess I share this very long story to say that it’s never okay to ask anyone when she’s going to have a baby. It’s never okay to ask a woman who you don’t know, or even if you do, ask when she’s due.

Just a reminder that it’s always okay to tell anyone to back off. My uterus will be more than happy to announce when something is going on that we feel you need to know about.

I don’t share this as a poor me story. I share this to show that all newlyweds are immediately interested in having kids. 

Also, as a reminder that it’s honestly no one's business except those that were or will be involved in the baby-making process.

(Note from the author: The above is what I experienced from my toxic marriage with my ex. The rest came from a combo of friends' pregnancies along the way and their relationships)

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