A woman standing before a storefront displaying baby items

I’ll Never Carry My Own Babies

Being a mother has been my dream since I was a young girl. I loved all babies. Including my only sister, who was born when I was a freshman in high school. 

Like most women, I had a plan to become a mother.

Dreaming of having my own children one day

I wanted two girls and possibly a boy. But girls for sure. When I got married at 22, I planned to have my first by 25 and be done having all my kiddos by thirty.

But that dream ended abruptly a few years after my marriage ended, after being diagnosed with several conditions that just aren’t compatible with pregnancy.

Before we get to that, let’s rewind a bit. From the day I started my very first period, it was never regular.

I had horrible cramps, very heavy bleeding, and was just miserable whenever Aunt Flo decided to visit. I started taking birth control at 15 so that I could maybe have a regular cycle.

Which didn’t ever happen. But each time I had a period, my cramps were intense and made me sick.

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Diagnosed in my teens

Around 15, I also started having horrible low belly pain that could never be figured out. It was just something I had to deal with.

After 11 long years of living with the pain and period issues, I finally had a reason for it all. I was told I had endometriosis. Over the next year, I got three other diagnoses that would prevent me from carrying my baby.

Though no one told me that right away. I kind of feel like no one wanted to break the news. But I remember the day when my doctor told me it would never be safe for me to carry my own baby.

I was shocked. Stunned. I didn’t want to believe that my biggest dream would never come true.

They had to be wrong; they just had to be. Because I had baby names and knew what I wanted the nursery to look like. I even had an idea of what my birth plan would look like.

I know some of you reading this will think I’m crazy. But I always felt like being a mom would be my most important job.

Coping with the impossibility of being a mother

By the time I was diagnosed, I was in my late 20s. So many of my close friends were getting married and having babies. This meant many baby showers, gifts, and talks about pregnancy and labor.

For a few years, I would go to the showers and buy gifts for the baby’s first birthday.  While always willing to listen about the difficulty of being a new mom. I would smile and pretend to be as happy as they were. Holding back tears till I reached my car.

As the years passed and the fact started to really set in, I wasn’t going to be able to carry my own baby. And didn’t have the money for a surrogate or adoption.

The happiness could no longer be faked. As much as I wanted to support my friends by attending baby showers, first birthdays, and meeting their new babies. 

It was just too hard. I started ordering gifts that would just be delivered to them. I wanted so badly to support them, but I just got to a point where I couldn’t.

I was told many times between then (2012) and now that pregnancy wouldn’t be safe for the baby or me. I never told anyone, but I always clung to the hope that I might somehow be able to have my baby.

Maybe my lupus would go into remission, and I wouldn’t require meds that are not safe for the baby. Or that maybe, just maybe, my migraines would no longer need heavy-duty meds. Sadly that never became the case.

I turned 37 this year and finally had to admit what my doctors have told me for the last ten years. I will never be a biological mother.

I always hoped and prayed it would happen as much as I wanted to. It’s just not in the cards. I hope one day I’ll be able to adopt or even be a stepmom.

If not, I’ll be one heck of an awesome auntie in a few years when my sister gets around to having kids.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Endometriosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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