Endometriosis Kills Me A Little Every Day
Since my endometriosis diagnosis, I have told myself I am much more than my illness and that it won’t define me. Something I am sure we have all expressed or have been told this at some in our journey.
While that is absolutely so true, at the end of the day, endometriosis is still a part of who I am.
It doesn't matter how much I am able to manage my symptoms or what organs they remove; endometriosis is still there. The more I live with it, the more I see how it kills me just a little bit more inside, every single day.
While I wouldn’t say it has ruined my life completely, it certainly has not made it an easy one.
No longer enjoy making plans
I used to love making plans and having something fun to do. But now, I dread it.
The thought of plans exhausts me. Mentally, physically and emotionally.
The stress leading up to plans especially. Will there be food I can eat or bathrooms close by? Will my pain and bloat be tolerable or will I have comfortable enough yet appropriate clothes to wear?
If I have to cancel, will I let everyone down? I miss the days when the only worry about making plans was where are we going and what time we needed to be there.
Stopped liking to get dressed up
I loved dressing up, even if we were just going to the grocery store. But ever since my endometriosis diagnosis, my daily bloat, and inflammation is always so bad that it is usually, flip flops, leggings or sweatpants, baggy loose-fitting shirts, or baggy dresses.
Maybe the occasional no bra if I can get away with it. I said goodbye to jeans, heels, or anything tight-fitting.
Food is not pleasurable anymore
I've always had a love for food. Growing up, we never ate horrible.
Sometimes we had the occasional junk food, and I would be fine. But over the last few years it doesn't matter what I eat I either bloat, have nausea, get horrible pains, have constipation or have the urge to have to go to the bathroom right away.
There is no happy medium when it comes to food. I have yet to find the one thing that I can truly enjoy.
It makes going out to eat, traveling, making sure I am getting the proper nutrients and getting together with others really hard.
I miss getting good sleep
Don’t get me wrong. I do sleep for the most part. But not like I did years ago.
I remember that I used to get into bed and fall right to sleep. If I couldn’t, just a few minutes of TV would do the trick.
Now, insomnia, the need to have to pee 8 times, and hot flashes, keep me up and feeling restless.
I stopped loving myself
Even before endometriosis, I wasn’t one who practiced self-love or was confident. Being bullied through school will do that to you.
There did come a point in my life when I met my now-husband, I felt beautiful. For a few years, I felt confident and sexy.
Over the last few years, endometriosis has slowly taken that away from me. Between the weight fluctuating, my hair changing, acne, bloat, and straight-up hating what I see in the mirror, I find it hard to truly love who I am.
This is something I am working on. It’s just hard and I know there are many that can relate to that.
Feeling exhausted all of the time
I have noticed that when I am able to go do something, I tire a lot faster than I used to. Constant fatigue and feeling run down always hits me.
It is always there. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Even when I do feel some energy, it never lasts for very long.
Despite all these things, I still try to put a smile on and do my best every single day. Even if some days I just want to throw in the towel.
Endometriosis is a part of me. It is inside of me.
It will be that way until a cure is found. It isn't all of who I am. I hold onto that thought.
I want you to know if you feel any of this, you are not alone. It’s okay to feel like endometriosis has taken a lot from you.
It has. We are in this together and we will fight this together.
Life may look different now but I am determined to still make it a good one. Please reach out to me if you ever need to chat.
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