There Must Be a Way

I am someone who carries much hope around with her. I work hard in my life and I believe that if you play life by it's rules, then good things will happen to you. At first, I was confused as to why the universe chose me to have endometriosis. I suppose I am not really that unique since 1 in 10 women have it, but why did I have to be part of that 10?

I've tried everything.

I tried becoming friends with the idea of endo, and thinking positive about it. I even follow this group on instagram where they do period blood rituals under a full moon to create love for your womb. You could say that I tried just about everything. From changing my diet to spending 80 dollars a week on acupuncture, I wanted to find relief and I had hope that one of these methods had to work.

After a year of torturous pain, I started to become really depressed. I was at a point where I had so much anxiety before my period that I had rather been dead than deal with the pain. I knew my thinking was serious. Everyone around me could see how tired I was of fighting. Even my doctor called me in for an emergency appointment, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kelly, I'm really worried about you". I started crying because I felt like she understood how much pain I was in and for some reason no matter how much I cried, kicked, and screamed, I didn't think anyone believed me.

It made me feel really alone.

At this time I was on the natural way of healing. It had been about 2 years of not using any western medications. It's not that I don't believe in western medicine, it's just that, I have had a bad past with western medicine where it made me really sick. As a herbalist and holistic healer, I felt true to my word by upholding my record of not consuming western medicine. That emergency doctor appointment lead me to go back on birth control. I was excited because it was the birth control that I got off of that started the endometriosis pains, so I knew getting back on it was going to make the pains bearable. I was excited to get my quality of life back. I was also devastated, because I felt I was breaking my religion of holistic medicine.

As I sat there crying, upset that birth control was the only logical answer to my pain, my doctor said to me, "Western medicine can be very necessary for some people. In fact, sometimes it is the only thing keeping that person alive. You are still a great herbalist". Her words were comforting, and my relationship with western medicine has transformed my herbalism practice with my clients. I understand now that sometimes western medicine is a very wise answer and it can be very helpful in situations like mine. I have been on my birth control for 4 months now. I have put the effort of detoxing my body from this pill behind me. My quality of life is back and I am in very minimal pain. I still follow a secondary holistic approach by consuming healthy foods, light exercise, going to therapy for mental health, and using topical methods like a heating pad when necessary. I also have become friends with Tylenol, which really helps as I am out and about, not near my holistic options. I truly believe birth control saved my life, which is bizarre to say, but I enjoy life now.

I'm starting to accept my endo

I still get some anxiety days before my period comes but I am able to know that the birth control and Tylenol as a combination will numb the pain, and for me, right now in my life, that is my main goal. With everything else that comes with endo I have been slowly accepting as well, such as my diminishing fertility. My partner and I have decided that with my endo and the risk of not getting pregnant, we are not going to try and instead, when we are ready look to adoption or having a surrogate mother. I also keep my doctor posted when I have other symptoms such as shortness of breath. It can be hard to know how far the endo has spread when you are on birth control, as it numbs many of the symptoms associated with endometriosis. This way my doctor can make notes on how the birth control is affecting me and, or, track how my endo is reacting.

Just recently, I started taking a Nrf2 activation pill, which has promise in repairing cells that contribute to endometriosis. For me, it is still trial and error, but atleast I am back to my old self, where I can stay focused on my dreams as an herbalist and help others who may be suffering. I can see now that the universe chose me because I am a strong women and the lesson of pain and suffering must be taught to others. It has made me a better teacher, and a better herbalist for all that I talk to.