My Sex Diary: Part 2
I used to think vibrators were something relegated to solo sex. But once I added a small clitoral aid to partner sex, I changed my mind. While my husband is no slouch in the bedroom, this handheld device increases my arousal in a more predictable and powerful way than human digits can. The end result is sex that is less painful and more pleasurable.
Here’s how it helped me.
Adding a clitoral vibrator
A vibrator is something that, as its name implies, vibrates. (They're often confused with a dildo, a sex toy similar to a penis, but that's not what I'm talking about here). I don’t bring a lot of extras to the bedroom, but this small addition makes an appearance pretty much every time my husband and I have sex. A vibrator can act as a strong sexual trigger to help with arousal, writes Vivienne Cass in "The Elusive Orgasm: A woman's guide to why she can't and how she can orgasm." This tells the brain to get ready for sex. It sends signals through the body that increase blood flow and vaginal lubrication. The feel-good hormone oxytocin is released and the clitoral tissue plumps up, increasing feelings of sexual pleasure, writes Cass.
When my body is feeling achy or uncomfortable, it takes more effort to get it in the mood. But adding this sexual trigger makes my body want sex. Before I had a vibrator at the ready, I would get anxious about sex because it always hurt. While my husband will spend as much time as I need on foreplay, I found adding intense clitoral stimulation throughout sex made it better for both of us.
Even women without endo need a generous amount of attention paid to the clitoris. Only a small percentage of women orgasm through intercourse alone.1,2 But since I have pain with sex, that means increasing my arousal is even more helpful for making sex enjoyable. Knowing I can pop a vibrator in the mix decreases my worries around sex and puts me in a better headspace, which makes the experience better from the start.
How to talk to your partner
Much like adding extra lubrication, I felt hesitant to bring up the vibrator with my husband. I was afraid he would think it meant I was saying he was inadequate. But when I told him how it helped me have less painful sex — which meant we would have it more often — he was all for it. But I don't advise bringing novelty to sex during the act. In my experience, it's better to talk about anything involving intimacy outside of the bedroom. If you're with a new partner, who you hopefully feel safe and comfortable with, just be up front about your needs from the beginning. Most men and women want their partners to enjoy sex as much as they do, even if that means getting a little mechanical help every now and then. (Pro tip: I use the Touch by We-Vibe and the Lay On by The Rabbit Company)
Up next: Why I add a pillow
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