Dating is Hard With Endo

Dating. If you have been in the dating scene lately, you know it is legitimately a crap shoot. It’s almost impossible to meet someone organically. At 39 I’m not going to the bars to meet someone. Online dating… it’s something. The random, unsolicited, inappropriate pictures that you get make the dating process even more “interesting.” Add on chronic illness and inability to have kids and the pool of men shrinks even further.

Dating apps ask all the wrong questions

I hold out hope that there are a few good ones on those apps because several of my closest friends met their spouses online. I recently set up a new profile and I’ve had to answer the question that always makes me think twice. I’m sure you all know the question I speak of: “Do you have kids, want kids, or are you open to kids?” I feel like there should be another option: “I can’t have kiddos!” Or maybe there should be room to write a short essay about my thoughts on kids and my ability to reproduce.

For most that’s an easy question, one that takes no thought to answer. But for people living with endometriosis and other health conditions, like me, it’s hard to know what to say. How can I explain to this man that I want kids so badly, but that the ability to have kids was taken from me? How can I also share that I would never have children anyway, knowing that many of my health conditions are genetic, especially if it’s a man who wants kids so badly? I often just skip those profiles because I would never want to take someone’s dream away.

When do I reveal that I can't have kids?

Before I even get to the topic of kids, adoptions, surrogates, etc., in a new relationship, I have to decide when to bring up my health and reproductive issues. There really is no right time, I’ve found. It depends on the person. That said, it’s hard to know when is the best time. I, obviously, haven’t found the right time or the right man, but I have found that if you share too soon, they run. If you wait too long, they feel like you’ve been lying to them. Honestly, you just have to feel it out and share when you feel it’s right.

I’ve heard all kinds of “advice” as to what I should share or how I should have my baby. The most common are via adoption, or surrogate. First, if I find a guy who understands my inability to have kids, who loves me for who I am, I would never expect him to give up his dream of biological children just to be with me. Also, I would never want to hit this new, wonderful man, at the beginning of a relationship, with the prices of an adoption, or a surrogate.

I want someone who loves me, endo and all

My ideal situation would be to find a man who has shared custody of younger kiddos, someone with a good co-parenting relationship whose former partner wouldn’t mind me being involved. This would help me heal a bit of the ache I feel to be a mother. I know my ideal man sounds like someone from a Hallmark movie or something, but that’s who I’ve been hoping and praying for, for many years. I just want to find the man who will love me for me, crappy health issues and all.