How We Cope with a Flare-Up as a Couple: Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

In this final piece on flare-ups, Jessica and Chris take us through everything they've learnt from five years of living with endometriosis pain.

What do you think you could improve about anticipating or responding to a flare-up?

Jessica: It’s really difficult to say. Most of the time, if I get pain, it comes at night, so sometimes I’d like Chris to say up with me and keep me company. It can feel really lonely struggling through pain for hours alone. It sounds dramatic, but I’ve gone to some pretty dark places at those times – having someone next to be could help bring me back. I think also, it’s challenging creeping around in the middle of the night trying to carry my heater into the bedroom (to sit in front of), or run a bath, or fill a hot water bottle, when I feel weak and in pain. It would be great to have someone do that for me, but it’s not fair to wake Chris up in the middle of the night. He has work too, and because we’re both self-employed, one of us has to be in a fit state to work!

It’s hard. I don’t want any readers or any of my podcast listeners to think they should suffer alone – I want their partners to get up and support them, but weirdly, I don’t feel the same applies for Chris and I. I can’t say why! I guess I just feel guilty.

Chris: I agree that I could do that better. I'm in a distant half-concious world during those night time flare-ups. I'd recommend for Jess and other endo warriors to physically wake up your partner if you need them, and make sure they are conscious and understand you need their help. Don't feel bad about it, I’m sure they'll be concerned and happy to help.

How do you think the flare-ups have changed over time and how has that changed how you experience them?

Jessica: Well, when we were first together – they were agony. Such agony. They were dramatic events and usually involved me leaving work, or getting stuck on the way home because I couldn’t walk. Sometimes Chris had to come and meet me and help me get back. There would always be a lot of texting if it was happening at work. Usually the pain would have started the night before, so we’d both had disturbed sleeps too.

Now my pain levels are really low and manageable and often, hardly there at all. Now we can actually go and do things on my period. It’s a bit of a miracle really. I do like to rest though as I’m still quite tired, so we probably take it easy and watch some Netflix. We’re also get some comforting but anti-inflammatory food and snuggle up. It’s sort of an excuse to nest really.

It means that Chris has been able to take a step-back from physically caring for me in those moments so much. He still steps up when I’m tired or getting weak, but he also allows me to be independent if I want to do the cooking or something.

Chris: We're so much more prepared now too. Every time Jess’ period comes around, she’s prepped with magnesium spray, period patches, balms, oils, all of her usual endo flare-up kit, plus she’s so much better at managing her symptoms through the rest of the month. This means that we're always ready to deal with a painful flare-up, but also that if she does randomly get pain and we don't know what's triggered it, it's a bit more of a mystery than before.

What tips can you offer to other couples when one partner is going through an endo flare-up?

Jessica: Firstly – clean the bath! So many times when my period arrives I’m yearning to get in the bath and then realize it needs to be cleaned and I don’t have the energy to do it. It’s frustrating because I could shower, but the standing can be exhausting.

In a perfect world, I think it would be super helpful if a partner could clean the bath the day before or of their partner being due on, in anticipation.

Secondly, I would just say to the partners to be around and on hand as much as possible. A few times Chris has been out when my period’s come and I’ve really needed him. Sometimes it’s more the loneliness of going through pain alone than the pain itself that’s hard to deal with. Also, lifting even a small saucepan can be a struggle when you’re struggling to stand and you’re in excruciating pain – someone to help with or do these things for us is essential.

Another crucial tip is to believe your partner. Endometriosis has been listened by the NHS as one of the most painful conditions, it’s up there with a heart-attack. We’re not exaggerating and we really need to be believed by the people we love the most. It changes everything.

Finally – to my endowarriors – don’t take it out on your partners. If you need a punching bag, punch the pillow. Don’t push away the people who love you, I know it’s hard, but having a support network and a community is so important to living well with this disease. If you’re struggling with your feelings around your pain and you feel like it’s affecting your relationship, seek help. Relate.org is a great charity based in the UK and I’m sure most countries have some kind of counseling charities.

Is there anything else aside from the usual tips about understanding & educating yourself about endo?

Chris: I'd say it's really important to make sure you're available for your partner to reach you. If you're out, make sure your phone is on loud and your partner can contact you in case they are worried about something, need advice, or need you to come home.

Make sure you can take over some chores and life stuff. Do the dishes, grocery shopping, laundry - give your partner as long as they need off to recover and rest.

Plus, be patient, kind and understanding. As Jess wrote above, endo pain is no joke! Your partner might pretend to be in less pain for your sake, whether it's to ease your mind or through embarrassment, so make sure you are honest with each other and deal with the pain together.