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Lots of Feelings As I Turned 35

Happy-ish birthday to me, I turned 35 this September. I noticed that I was feeling pretty sad leading up to my birthday. There apparently was a lot on my brain but I wasn't even fully aware of it all, so I am taking the time to kind of process it now.

I decided to share this here because and has been the most life-changing disease and I feel here will be the most beneficial place to share these feelings.

My dreams vs my reality

When I was a kid I never dreamed of the perfect wedding. I dreamt of the perfect family I wanted. I wanted a loving and funny husband and 2 kids. I wanted to give my kids the life I never had, one full of happiness and support. Instead, I got Endo and, with it, infertility. I have previously written about that in this community that in 2007 I suffered two miscarriages, both times not knowing I was pregnant. It was devastating on so many levels.

Discussing our future

Flash forward to 7 years ago when my husband and I, newly engaged, decided to have a serious talk about our future and kids. We had this conversation several times over a 6 month period, each time the same. We both voiced our serious concerns about having a sick child. We both have genetic illnesses in her family as well as non-genetic ones. My husband also voiced his serious concern about me dying during childbirth because his Mom almost died giving birth to him. We also have fears of pregnancy killing me or making me 1 million times more sick than I already am. Then there are the many diseases that interfere with my life so much. It would make raising a kid so challenging.

My childhood experiences weighed heavy on me as well

Up until I was 14, my mom was healthy aside from a bad back. That made it so my mom couldn't be as active with his kids and I remember it really sucked. I was jealous of other kids who were able to play with their Mom or have their Mom pick them up. Then she almost died twice from Crohn's disease, once when I was 14 and the other when I was 16. That was very hard on me because back then my mom was my best friend. Life was very challenging for me because my folks split and my older sister moved out, so I was left to have to be the caregiver for my mom and my younger sister who was also newly diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So much so, I was suicidal at 16. I would never want my child to experience any of that.

My diseases have robbed me of so much

Also weighing on my mind and making me emotional was my health. Sure my Endo is borderline in remission but everything else is either problematic or getting worse. To top it off, I may have had a heart attack in August and ended up in the ER a couple of days before my birthday due to my heart racing and other unpleasant symptoms.

My diseases have robbed me of so much. I have no friends. They hated when my health took a dive after my gallbladder was removed causing my IBS and other health issues. They hated that I kept making rain checks, never being able to hang out because I was in constant agony, needed to be near a toilet that I could occupy for 30 minutes or more at a time, and was super exhausted. I was fired from work, which is illegal in Canada, 8 years ago but was too sick to fight it. I knew no matter where I applied, I would eventually run into the same issue. I was unreliable and even though I wouldn't be fired, I would get no hours.

So yea, lots of feelings leading up to my birthday and that still kind of stayed around afterwardsMe as a bitmoji, sad with a sad panda bear

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