Infertile

(*Trigger Warning*)
I wanted to give a trigger warning for this because I know this subject can be triggering for some. (This story discusses miscarriages and infertility.)

It was Feb 11th 2007 & I had gone to the bathroom like I had millions of times before. This time was different & I asked my best friend who was also a woman, to give me her opinion on something. It may seem weird to ask someone else, but I was living with her & she suffered even worse than I did with her periods so I figured she may know. I was pretty sure I knew the answer because of my Mom talking about her two miscarriages but I was in such shock because I had no idea that I had been pregnant. I didn't know that I could still take a pregnancy test to know for sure. I just buried the incident in my head.

Oct 11th 2007, my world crumbled as I was faced with the same situation I was in only months ago. I had no idea I had been pregnant, it was around the same size & looked exactly the same. I was already booked in to see the GYN for the first time, because of my debilitating periods, & had to wait a month.

Telling the doctor everything

When I saw her & told her about my debilitating periods in detail, she told me she was pretty positive I had Endometriosis. After that huge discussion was done, I worked up the courage to tell her about what happened in Feb & October. She informed me that a pregnancy test would still be positive cause of the hormone changes pregnancy causes. Sure enough, the test was positive. The GYN told me that what happened in Feb was most likely also a miscarriage by the sounds of things.

My dream was torn to shreds

My head spun like crazy, two miscarriages in one year. Two times I had no idea I was pregnant. When I was young, I didn't dream about my wedding day, I dreamed about having a loving husband & kids. I wanted to give my kids the kind of life I never had, I wanted to do everything I could to make sure their childhood wasn't robbed from them like mine was. I wanted them to have two loving parents who were active in their lives. Now this dream was torn to shreds. (To shreds you say? *inserting a little humor*) ((Futurama reference & yes I totally read that in my head as the Professors voice))

Processing it all

I haven't been diagnosed with infertility but the amount of unprotected sex I have had for about a decade kind of tells me otherwise. I've made my peace with the fact that I can't have biological kids. My husband & I have decided that we won't be having kids & he will be getting a vasectomy in the Autumn.

Up until three years ago, I didn't acknowledge my two miscarriages. I pretended it didn't happen. One day I was watching an episode of 'Private Practice' with my husband & was inspired & encouraged to acknowledge my loss. I began the grieving process, including having a naming ceremony two years ago. It hasn't been easy but the healing that has finally begun has been amazing.

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