Getting Intimate with Endo

Sex can be a minefield in the best of circumstances, but when you have endometriosis, it almost seems impossible to be able to derive any pleasure from it. So, what is the best way to ensure that sex will leave you satisfied, instead of in pain? Planning A little planning will go a long way. While endometriosis is a chronic illness, we typically don’t experience the same level of pain all the time. Because endometriosis is influenced by hormones, you will have periods in the month that are better than others. Use this to your advantage and plan your sexual activities around it. It’s not very sexy to plan sex, but if you and your partner are going to enjoy yourselves better, then it’s worth it. Warm up Foreplay is an important part of any sexual encounter, but even more so when you are suffering from endometriosis. Start out slow, maybe with a massage and some gentle touching. Avoid areas that are typically painful and concentrate on what feels good for you. Fingering as part of foreplay is probably not a good idea, but have your partner concentrate on your clitoris. Don’t rush anything, and don’t feel pressured to continue if things still feel painful. Improvize Sex is more than penis-in-vagina. Penetration can be very painful when you have endometriosis, but there is a lot more you can do to satisfy your partner than offering him your vagina. If penetration is too painful, switch to oral sex. Your partner could even use toys to get you off, for extra stimulation. Likewise, there are lots of toys on the market for male stimulation if you and your partner feel like being a bit more adventurous. But don’t underestimate what you can do with your hands and mouth. Sex is more than bringing someone to a climax, so concentrate instead on being in the moment, connecting with your partner on an intimate level. If you see an orgasm as the only goal of sex, you will put too much pressure on yourself and set yourself up to fail. Use lubrication Sometimes sex can be stressful, particularly when you anticipate it being painful. This could result in you not really getting wet, even with a lot of foreplay. Hormonal birth control pills can also contribute to dryness, which isn’t ideal when you are trying to have sex. Luckily, there are lots of lubricants on the market and there is no shame in using them. Talk to your partner about what you need and make sure you choose a lube that is as natural as possible, as you don’t want to end up with a yeast infection (which can happen from lubes that contain glycerine). Communicate Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. We are conditioned to think that sex means a man’s penis inside a woman’s vagina and a lot of men, especially, don’t think sex has happened until he has orgasmed inside a woman’s vagina. Experiment together to find a way in which you both get the most satisfaction without causing you any pain. Every woman is unique, and every endometriosis sufferer is unique, so only you and your partner can find out what the perfect way of having sex is for you. In the end, it’s about what works for you and your partner and you need to figure that out together. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from {{site-name}}:"] ,I have written about sex and endometriosis, and in particular, partnered sex. But what about solo sex? Self-pleasure is a great way to relieve some endometriosis pain, particularly cramps during your period. Having an orgasm releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Endorphins also alleviate pain, so having an orgasm when you’re menstruating can help period pain. How to relieve pain through orgasm Sex during your period can be messy and not everyone is into that. I personally didn’t really want to be touched during my period, let alone have sex with all the messiness that came with it. But self-pleasure is different. When you’re masturbating you are fully in control and you can be as selfish as you want to be. You can use whatever means (sex toys, shower head, your own fingers) to give yourself an orgasm. You can have sex in the shower to minimize the amount of clean-up you have to do, or you can use special waterproof sheets if you rather use the bed. But self-pleasure is not limited to when you’re on your period, just like, sadly, endometriosis pain isn’t limited to your period. Endorphins work great as pain relief, no matter the time of the month. And not only is it a natural way of relieving pain, it’s also quite pleasurable to give yourself an orgasm. Solo versus partnered sex Of course, the same goes for partnered sex, but sometimes it’s a bit more work to get an orgasm during partnered sex. For most women, penetration is painful, and let’s face it: most partnered sex involves penetration. Solo sex is great because you can selfishly concentrate on your own pleasure, avoiding anything that causes pain or discomfort. It is also great as a way to find out for yourself how you get the best orgasms, because you can teach your partner those same techniques, thereby maximize pleasure during partnered sex. I found that when I was suffering most from endometriosis pain, I was also very cold, particularly my feet. Almost as if my whole body was diverting all blood and heat to my uterus, leaving little for the rest of my body. I, therefore, didn’t like being naked, so during masturbation, I tended to keep as many clothes on as possible. You don’t need to look sexy while masturbating (although it sometimes helps to feel sexy), so you can wear a sweater and your woolly socks and still have lots of pleasure. Being comfortable with masturbation There is no shame in masturbating, and I highly recommend you talk to your partner about it. It’s better to be open about it rather than trying to sneak away to masturbate, or make excuses for why you need the bathroom so long. It may help if you explain that giving yourself an orgasm will help alleviate your endometriosis pain, and your partner is hopefully understanding enough to know that it’s sometimes better to focus on yourself. And if your partner is averse to period sex (like mine was), then they should not have a problem with you masturbating during your period. Plus, the lessons you learn about your own body during masturbation can benefit your partner during partnered sex as well. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from {{site-name}}:"] For many patients, endometriosis can create stress in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy. One of the most common symptoms of endometriosis is pain with sex, known as dyspareunia. According to the results of our 2018 Endometriosis In America survey, over 80% of endo patients have experienced pain with sex, with many saying that this symptom significantly affects their quality of life. In fact, more than one-third of patients said that they are “not at all satisfied with their sex life”. If pain with sex seems all too familiar, check out these 7 ways to fix painful sex: 1. Try some lubricant Because endometriosis can cause vaginal dryness, many patients find that adding lube helps make sex more enjoyable. In addition to increased foreplay time, adding lube may make sex more comfortable, and reduce your chances of sex leading to an endo flare. 2. Track your cycle While planning out your sex life may not sound sexy, many patients find that sex is more enjoyable at certain points in their menstrual cycle. If you notice that your endometriosis pain is better just after your period, for example, this may be a better time to be intimate. You can even talk to your partner about the best time of the month for sex, so that they know when you may or may not be so interested in sex. You may find that downloading an app for your smartphone or tablet can help you track your cycle and symptoms, but even an old-fashioned day planner will work! [native] 3. Ask your doctor about over-the-counter pain relievers For many people with endometriosis, over-the-counter pain relievers can make sex more comfortable. If taken an hour before sex, you may find that these medications can help prevent or reduce your endometriosis-related pain. Consider asking your doctor if these medication are right for you. 4. Experiment with different positions If you experience pain with sex, you may find that some positions are better with others. Talk to your partner about which positions are more comfortable, and which positions are completely off the table too. Different speeds and depth may also make sex more or less enjoyable, so consider experimenting to see what’s best for you! 5. Be prepared for potential bleeding Some patients experience bleeding during or after sex, known as “postcoital bleeding”. If you and your partner are not prepared for bleeding, it can be frustrating, or even embarrassing. Placing a towel on the bed, and having wipes for clean-up nearby, may make the experience less difficult, and more enjoyable. 6. Ask for help If you are experiencing pain during sex, a professional may be able to help. Consider talking to your OB/GYN or endometriosis-specialist, or finding out if pelvic floor physical therapy could help. If you’re feeling anxious about sex, a mental health professional, couples therapist, or sex therapist may also be able to help. 7. Know when to say "no" Sometimes, your endo symptoms may mean that you’re completely disinterested in sex, and that’s okay! During these times, you may find that other forms of intimacy, such as foreplay, massage, kissing, or cuddling, can be just as enjoyable. Communication is key, so talk to your partner about what does and doesn’t work for you, and how you can be close and intimate, without necessarily having sex. Have you experienced pain with sex? What are your tips? Comment below, or check out these other articles on relationships and intimacy: Endometriosis Killed My Libido Pain During Sex Relationships & Intimacy Things I Hate About (My Partner) Having Endo Communicating Your Needs [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from {{site-name}}:"] Romantic partners, especially guys, can be skittish when it comes to talking about a host of woman’s health concerns, but especially our periods. There are several diamonds in the rough that are completely comfortable with these kinds of conversations, but what I have found is, generally speaking, it’s a topic they would prefer to avoid. It’s foreign to them, and let’s be honest, it’s not the most romantic topic. That said, if you’re living with endometriosis, it’s a significant part of your life and it’s important your significant other be aware of it. The reality is that, sometimes, it’s inevitable for the discussion to happen, because if you struggle to get out of bed somedays, they’re going to wonder what’s going on. So, having the conversation is bound to happen one way or another. When to talk about it I’m not, by any means, suggesting that this is a first date topic, or something that you dive into even your first month. However, if you’re advancing to a committed relationship, it’s important that your partner can understand and support you. [native] So, the discernment on timing is the first step and that’s something that only you can decide. Some relationships move faster than others, so it’s less about the physical time that’s passed and more where you are emotionally in your relationship. The bottom line, if a person is worth dating, they will care enough and be mature enough to have the conversation. How to talk about it Personally, I have had to talk with guys that I’ve dated about major medical issues I was dealing with at the time. Here’s what I found to be helpful in navigating those waters. Keep the first conversation light Plant the seed by letting them know what’s going on. If you get severe cramps, nausea, or fatigue, let them know that you’re not exaggerating pain, you have endometriosis, and how you’re managing it. Your partner doesn’t need to know details, just plant the seed, see if they have questions and then move on. Let them know if you need their support and how they can help you Once the person knows what’s going on, they're in a far better position to be able to support you. So, if there is anything specific you need or want support on, ask for it. I kept the first conversation light and surface level, but I did end by saying that one of the ways I manage my health is through diet, so I’ll likely be asking for allergy-friendly menus at restaurants. Committing to this diet has made a big difference in how I feel, so it’s important to me. That way, I felt he understood what and why I was doing certain things when we went out on a date. The same could be said if sleep is a big healing component for you. You could share that you tend to crash pretty early in the evenings, so if the person texts later at night, just know I’ll respond in the morning. Have a follow up conversation if/when needed If things change in your health, or if your partner doesn’t seem to be supporting you the way you need it, it might be time for a follow-up conversation. What have been your best strategies for navigating the dating world with endometriosis? [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from {{site-name}}:"] ,I was recently interviewed for a podcast about my experience of painful sex due to endometriosis. This wasn’t the first time I’d been interviewed for this subject; I’ve also talked to Women’s Health about it too. Strangely enough, though I am far from an expert, my sex life seems to have attracted interest. So, giving that it seems people want to hear more, and are frankly, desperate for someone to just talk about it, I’m opening up again. Often, I like to give practical tips on how to deal with these issues, but for this article, I want to focus on my story and my experience. It’s easy to gloss over our stories, thinking they’re of no use to others, but I’m learning more and more that there is solidarity in shared experiences, and comfort in feeling less alone. Early sexual experiences I was a late bloomer, in many respects. I started my period at around 16, I wasn’t interested in sex as a teenager, and the obvious endometriosis symptoms didn’t appear until I was about 19. My first real sexual experiences occurred a year or so before my severe endometriosis symptoms began, so at the time, I didn’t experience any obvious pain. However, I was still incredibly young, and had little confidence in general, let alone with my sexuality. I was happy to keep waiting until I felt comfortable enough, but had become known as the ‘frigid’ one in my group, and whilst I was fairly okay with my decision, I wouldn’t have gone ahead had I not felt external pressure. This resulted in me not really being fully present in any sexual experiences for at least a year or so, with polite sex being the only type on the cards. This meant that due to my lack of arousal and confidence, plus the type of sex I was having, I didn’t really feel any pain, but I didn’t feel much in the way of pleasure either. Struggling with painful sex Fast-forward a year or two, and I began my first really serious relationship. It was an intense one with a strong love that ignited my first real feelings of desire. This did result in more passionate sex, and so being more engaged, present, and physical, I began feeling the first signs that something was wrong. In the beginning, my partner was more gentle, but I still had a mentality that sex was more there for the man, and my role was really more about pleasing him then pleasing myself. I did my best to hide my pain or continue in a different position when it got bad. Quite quickly, it transpired that the relationship I was in wasn’t a healthy one, and as it became more abusive and volatile, I began on a path from detachment to my body. I felt the pain, and would pull away if it was bad enough, but much of the time I covered my face, looked away and blinked back tears. My sexuality became non-existent and I associated sex with pain, more than anything else. How I was able to enjoy sex These days, I am in a loving, secure relationship. Our sex life is not without its challenges, but I am in a healthier place sexually than I have ever been. Endometriosis is such a huge part of our lives that my partner is aware I am always managing it, and always looking after my body – including when it comes to sex. Being intimate together will always involve him considering my level of comfort, and we’ll move around a bit until we get it right. I don’t doubt it takes a lot of patience from his side, and sometimes I want even more patience, but together I believe we’re doing the best we can. I no longer cover my face and cry; If I’m in pain, we stop or we move until I feel good again. Whilst I’m still working on changing my perspective on sex being all about men, I rarely have sex unless I’m 100% present and all in. This does mean that we don’t have sex as much as other couples might, but equally, there are phases when we have lots of sex. I now work with my cycle, and know when I’m more likely to experience less pain, more pain, and even when I’m going to be more aroused or just want to curl up with a movie. Sex with endometriosis isn’t just about avoiding pain. It’s about becoming confident with your body, your sexuality, and in your ability to communicate. As a woman, I’ve faced lots of challenges with my sex life, and these are exasperated with endometriosis. Learning how to work with painful sex has been a journey of healing all aspects of my sexuality, not just my pain. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from {{site-name}}:"]

Getting Intimate with Endo

Endo & Sex: An Advocate's Tips

Let's Talk Self-Pleasure

Things I Hate About (My Partner) Having Endo

7 Ways To Fix Painful Sex

My Sex Diary

Dating & Endometriosis

My Experience of Painful Sex and Endometriosis

Endometriosis Killed My Libido

Why Don't We Talk about Painful Sex?

Navigating Pleasure Through Chronic Pain

Want to Have Better Sex? These Books Can Help

Healing Painful Sex