The Pain My Loved Ones Feel
Last updated: September 2022
I constantly talk about the pain endometriosis causes me as I live and deal with it. It's horrible, I've said it a million times. I've talked about it, described it, and felt it, every day for years. But I am not the only one living with pain. I may feel the pain physically, but my loved ones feel it mentally.
I wake up in a bad mood from not sleeping and being in pain. I am immediately snappy and rude. The day only gets worse from there. It's like living all day wanting to jump out of my skin. Everything that surrounds me feels magnified. Noise, smells, frustrations, messes, etc. It makes me crazy. I feel like everything makes me want to scream and yell. Clearly, it's someone else's fault that I can't find anything to wear, primarily because I am extremely bloated or buttoning my pants causes discomfort and pain, right?
Whether it's my dog barking over nothing, my son crying for no reason, or my husband asking unnecessary (in my opinion) questions, it sets me off. I have no patience and it's not fair to them. I am like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off from the most minute trigger. And when that button is pushed, I lash out. It's not necessarily what they said or did (well, not all the time!), but it's the physical pain that I am in all day that causes my irritability to become uncontrollable.
Being trapped behind mental bars
When the anger strikes, I feel like I am trapped behind mental bars. I know I am snapping and lashing out verbally when it's not necessary, but I can't stop it. My words won't stop when my brain is begging them to. I know it is out of line and uncalled for, but I am also so miserable I can't find the words to apologize. They should feel bad for me because I am the one in pain, right? However, it shouldn't be that way. Thankfully, they don't know what it feels like. They don't know the pain I am in unless I tell them and who really wants to be that complainer saying "ouch" every second, because that's how often I feel it. Or sometimes, when I try to describe how I am feeling due to pain and exhaustion, it just comes out in an emotional mess that nobody can understand! They don't know how irritable I am until it's too late and I have already lashed out, so why should they apologize for me being in pain?
I never want anyone I love or care about to know the struggle of living with endometriosis and since the words are hard to find on the spot when I am in that mental state of feeling trapped behind angry bars, this is my open apology to anyone who has unfairly been on the other side of my angry endometriosis backlash.
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