Loving My Body, Despite Endometriosis

Hostile uterus

My uterus was never my friend. We were barely on speaking terms. Due to endometriosis – which seemed to have taken hold of me well before my first period, if my period pain from that moment on was anything to go by – I despised that particular organ in my body. If it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted to have children, I would have gladly asked for a hysterectomy in my twenties.

I didn’t know I had endometriosis until my first pregnancy terminated in a miscarriage. My OB/GYN at the time told me that endometriosis could cause infertility, but as I had been pregnant, he thought I did have a chance to get pregnant again. He advised me to start trying soon.

Saving grace

I did indeed get pregnant again: twice. My pregnancies were my uterus’s only saving grace, in my eyes. I wanted children, it gave me children, so I tolerated my uterus because of it. But as soon as it became clear that two children were the limit for me and my husband, the hatred slowly crept back into my heart. I struggled with my endometriosis for another seven years before finally asking for a hysterectomy. The day my uterus came out was a happy day indeed. And finding out that its walls were infested with adenomyosis made me feel vindicated. I had been right to hate that stupid organ!

Seeing my uterus as something that didn’t really have anything to do with my body is not a healthy attitude to have. I know that now. It’s also really unfair to my poor uterus, which wasn’t responsible for the endometriosis. It didn’t want to cause me pain. It was as much a victim of endometriosis as was the rest of my body. And the adenomyosis was a result of me wanting children so badly. Cutting my uterus open during the C-section introduced all the bad endometriosis cells into the uterine walls, infecting it thoroughly. Again: my uterus was a victim, not a criminal.

Loving my body

When your body causes you pain, it is hard to love it. It’s hard not to fight back against the pain, whether mentally or physically, no matter how damaging that it. I wish I had found a support group back when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis. I wish I had been able to understand the condition better and talk to other women who had endometriosis. Maybe then I would have been able to accept, and maybe even love, my body despite the endometriosis.

Because my body is strong. It’s wonderful and amazing and it didn’t deserve to be divided amongst itself. My uterus should have been part of my whole body, not viewed as this alien, pain-causing defect that should be ripped out as soon as possible. I wish I had not let endometriosis define me, and hate my body.

Since my hysterectomy three years ago, I have come a long way. I have started to look at my body in a different way and am slowly starting to love it. I’m strong and capable and the endometriosis is the enemy, not my body.