What I Do When I Feel So Angry With My Body and Illness
"I hate my body and this chronic illness life, and I will never get better," I say to myself as I look in the mirror. A line I have repeated way more than I could ever imagine.
As the years of living with this illness go on, I find myself angrier about it rather than accepting it. Maybe it's because my symptoms feel worse, or I get frustrated watching those who don't deal with it. Or perhaps it's because I still have yet to find a good doctor to help me.
Asking myself why can't I be normal?
Sometimes I feel betrayed that my body has done this to me, and I wonder if I am being punished for something I must have done at some point in my life.
Some days, these feelings hit harder than others, but they are always there. It is scary and exhausting, feeling like you have no control over your body and what's happening inside.
So when those exhausting, dark days creep up, I have to do whatever I can from spiraling too deep.
Talk it out with someone
On those days, I am just so overwhelmed with this illness, my body, and my symptoms. Talking with one of my best friends, who happens to be dealing with this as well, always helps me.
Sometimes you need a good vent session, whether with a caring and understanding family member, friend, or licensed professional, even if it doesn't fix what's happening.
I have often found that my friend helps me see things from a different perspective, which helps me feel less angry.
Take a social media hiatus
Social media certainly has the power to trigger things inside of you, especially when you are in not-so-good head space. Sometimes, I must stop the scroll when I am angry about my endometriosis and sign out.
Because if I don't, I spend the day comparing my life to others. Maybe someone is eating something I once was able to eat.
Perhaps someone got a new pair of jeans and looks fantastic in them, but my body is so bloated I picture how horrible I would look.
I don't want to see certain things when feeling down, so not looking at my phone or any social media outlet is the best thing.
Journaling is helpful for managing thoughts
Writing has been my outlet ever since I could remember, and it's where I express myself the best.
So when I look in the mirror telling myself I hate my body and this disease, I write. I write what I hate, what I feel that day, and why I think I feel that way.
Then, I make a list of the good things. Because even if I don't believe it, there are many good things about me, my body, and my life, and I need to remember that!
Having a fun photoshoot
Taking pictures is the last thing you would think I would feel like doing when I am angry at my body. There is something fun and exciting about putting on a little lipstick, doing my hair, and striking some poses.
It was a good distraction, even if I disliked how the pictures came out. Want to make it even more fun? Hire a professional photographer and do a shoot somewhere fun or even in your home.
Setting a self-care routine
We all know how vital practicing self-care is, whether you have a chronic illness or not. But it's nice to have a standard for those days you struggle with loving yourself.
For me, a CBD Honey face mask, 90's music, Netflix binge, a good book, and meditation or yoga help me the most.
Laughing when you can
We can ultimately drive ourselves to the ground if we don't just laugh about it. I know having endometriosis is no laughing matter.
Sometimes, the symptoms are so severe that it's genuinely not funny. Some days, I need to laugh. So I whip out my poop jokes or whatever joke fits with how I am feeling and the symptoms I am feeling that day.
That anger I feel towards my body and endometriosis creeps up more than I would like. Doing these few things sure does help me get through those moments.
I try to fill my mind with nurturing thoughts of myself and shift my mindset from "I am broken and need to be fixed" to "I am me, and I am perfect as I am."
On those days, I could not see the light. I give myself grace, let myself feel the feelings I need, remind myself this illness is not my fault and keep on going when I am ready.
Dear warrior, I hope you know, that this illness is not your fault. Be gentle with your mind, your body, and yourself.
What are some things that help you when you are feeling angry about your illness?
Has anyone ever said the following to you about your endometriosis?