An Honest Truth: I'm Worried I Won't Get Better
Here is my reality that is hard to share. I have two illnesses that are not curable. On top of that, my endometriosis surgeries have created a lot of residual damage to many organs and muscles. Sometimes, I wake up shocked that even though I am in remission for endo, internally I still feel so broken. Catching myself each morning wondering how to make it through the day... Minute by minute questioning, “How does anyone live with so much pain?”. I have had relief in certain ways, like the fact its been a year since I’ve been in the ER. But then there’s things that don't seem to go away... Things like seeing doctors so often, unexpected flares, and being unable to work. So, everyday I do wonder, "Will I ever actually recover?".
Every day, I'm adapting
Here’s another reality easier to share. In the past 4 years since being diagnosed, I’ve adapted really well. I’ve learned about caring for myself in ways I didn’t know were possible. From big things like forcing myself to make all the calls to doctors and insurance companies, yo the little things like how to make my bedroom extra cozy for when I can’t leave it for days. There's a lot I've gotten used to as well. Things like not working a normal job, having to cancel plans, and to the dreaded surgery preps. None of this gets easier or less painful, but it is my reality.
One day at a time...
The best way to put it is that I’m not happy with being sick, but I have made myself comfortable (as comfortable as I can be, at least). But being comfortable doesn’t mean the idea of living the next 10 plus years like this isn’t terrifying. Everyone says to take it one day at a time and honestly, I’m fully forced to. When you have pain so unbearable, I don't know how anyone could function without doing so.
So, one day at a time it is. And one of those days, I’ll wake up and look back at the time when I was younger and terrified to be older and possibly more sick... Or even just the same amount of sick. And as I sit there, no matter how I feel physically, I’ll know that what matters most is that I made it there. Pain or no pain, I am still in one piece. And as for today, though my body feels as if its pieces are on fire and in the wrong places, I’ll survive the day and try again tomorrow.
Where has endo been found in your body?
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