The Fear of Pregnancy

As an endo patient, pregnancy is quite a complicated topic. I spent my entire adulthood hearing things like "Have a baby and your endo will go away" or the opposite: "Don't women with endometriosis have infertility problems?". These are clearly not things you want to hear in your late teens/early 20's, even though they are quite opposite situations!

This one is fun when you are young, independent, career-driven, and not settling down into marriage any time soon. I never really understood how my friends knew they were getting their periods exactly on certain days and some, even at exact times of the day. I thought everyone knew when their periods were coming by being crippled over in pain, horrible headaches, stomach that was tremendously bloated, etc. Once those symptoms set-in, then my period should arrive within a week. There has never been a 28 day cycle for me. One time, in my early 20's, my period just completely skipped a month for no rhyme or reason. Sometimes my cycle would go 38 days always leaving me wondering that dreaded thought at that time in my life... am I pregnant?

The answer was always "no"

After years of irregular and late periods causing me much stress and anxiety (as well as lots of money spent on negative pregnancy tests), I entered a new phase of life. I met someone that I could finally see marrying and having a family with. All those years of late and irregular periods always resulting in a negative pregnancy test came rushing back. Am I one of the endometriosis patients who will suffer infertility?

This was terrifying, causing me to put up the "I don't think I want kids" guard. As my relationship grew and our conversations about our future got more serious, we had many emotional nights where I brought up the fact that I may not be able to have kids. Some of these nights led to arguments, discussion of other options if we were not able to have children of our own, and many defeating and hurtful thoughts about a situation we may or may not be faced with. Even though there are options, I couldn’t get past the guilt of my partner choosing me over being able to have children of his own.

Protecting my soon-to-be husband

Before I could allow myself to enter a marriage with a man that clearly wanted children, I had my first endo surgery with a fertility specialist who was able to look at my reproductive tubes and organs to make sure the endo wasn't creating obvious issues. Luckily, he gave me a clean bill of health for fertility, and stated that we shouldn't have any issues. This was a huge relief to both of us, however, the “what if” always remained in the back of my head. I spent so many years brainwashing myself that I didn’t want kids, followed by I may not be able to have them, that I couldn’t even bring myself to accept what a doctor was telling me.

I am fortunate to have married an amazing man that always stayed calm and reassured me that if we want children, we will have them. Whether they are ours that we are able to have naturally, we use medical help, or we adopt, there is always a way. I am even more fortunate to say that my first pregnancy did not present any complications and all those years I spent stressing were just my endometriosis making my head run away from me. I have an amazing 2 year old son.