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Endo and Adoption?

Hello i need some advice. I am feeling at rock bottom and dont know what todo. I always expected to naturally have a child but that didnt work so turned to ivf but after 7 failed ivf attempts and then finally being diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis the reality started to hammer home it wasnt going to happen. I am 45 years old. I try not to think about this as it causes a deep rooted yearning for me followed by a substantial amount of emotion so completely block it out from my day to day thinking. However out of the blue today my dearest partner started harpering on about adoption which he had never mentioned before. This caused an almighty argument as i dont know how i feel about it. I said the same to my partner. He did not accept this and kept pushing and pushing one minute saying if he was single he would have adopted by now even though the topic has never come up nor his interest in adoption. He has been telling outside people i am not interested in adoption which is unfair as we have never discussed this before and i said the same to him. I understand he gets asked why he doesnt have kids and since he didnt want to tell people about ivf the perception is that we dont want them which is so far from the truth. I feel very hurt outsiders are influencing how he is behaving towards me even though he is also contributing to this and making it far worse instead of being open and honest. Worst still he doesnt understand that even now for a women not to be able to bear children has a big impact on her as you kind of expect it to be a no brainer. I know this is not a healthy situation and told him if he wants to pursue single adoption he can but i still dont know. He then insists he doesnt want to but is doing it for me which is even more confusing as i dont mention children or anything like that. I have been researching adoption to give it a fair chance but am on the fence so can someone please tell me when they knew it was time to move on as my mind isnt at that stage yet? Thanks and sorry for the long post i am still very upset and confused.

  1. I just want to hug you <3 Endometriosis and talking about children can definitely make it hard on couples and relationships. I hate that you two are dealing with this miscommunication and frustration towards each other. I will say, one thing that really helped my husband and I get on the same page about all of this, was therapy. I was so hesitant about it and so judgmental about going to therapy. But it ended up being the best thing for us, so we could both express our feelings and thoughts and then work through them together. That could be an option maybe to work through this. As far as when to know when to move on, that is something that will come to you. I can't explain it really, but you will know it. You will know when your mind is at that stage and what exactly the next step/move you want to do is. Sometimes it happens right away, sometimes it takes a while. I know this may not be a super helpful answer but, I promise, you will get to that stage where you know what it is you need or want to do. Give yourself grace and be gentle with yourself. And know, we are here for you. So reach out to chat anytime, ok? Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. <3 -Kimberli (endometriosis.net team member)

    1. Thanks Kimberli for your response i really needed that support means a lot 😀
      I havent considered couples therapy so will definitely look into that and im glad that it worked for you both.
      I am aware that moving on happens when it does but it’s difficult to explain that to my husband who is acting out of character - maybe therapy will help address that too. As we know men and women are wired so differently when it comes to sensitivity/emotions!
      Good thoughts your way too and ill defo reach out again
      Miriam xxxx

      1. Oh , this sounds likes such a confusing and challenging time! How we want our families to look is such a personal and sensitive topic. And fertility treatments can be hard to talk about in our society. And communication is hard!
        I think the most important thing is for you to be clear on how you feel. I agree with Kimberli, counseling can be super helpful for you and for your relationship. Counseling has definitely helped me make sense of situations that felt overwhelming, so I could figure out how to move forward. Once you are both clear, you can communicate more clearly and figure out what's the best next step.
        Please stay in touch. Sending my best wishes to you. -Audrey (endometriosis.net team)

        1. Thankyou for you support and reinforcement

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